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| i find after a recent conversation that i no longer wish to let anyone else or their thoughts skew my judge of character, or change my mind about that person.
the things i say aren't always true.
and i don't fully mean what i say.
note to self: who gives a shit.
so what, i have to make my own mistakes before i can learn from them.
and goddamn it i will make mistakes.
so i'll suck it up and work it out,
and just go on with life.
before i start babbling.
i'm going to bed.
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| so I'm not so sure why I'm doing this, but I feel the need to write down my thoughts that are all jumbled.
Today in school, I felt out of place without Emily. She just always brightens my day, and she has a certain spot in school
I felt nervous though. like people were making fun of me.
and i felt the need to get up a leave.
this laptop frustrates me more than anything. the typing bar jumps around like its got crabs or something.
I spent the day with Julie and Sarah, and it was fun.
they make my day.
they bring up good and make good memories.
but they bring up the bad as well.
its stupid to get upset about these things.
i always find myself lingering in the past.
thinking "what if I had done this differently?" and i always wish i had.
and i always blame myself for everything that went wrong.
and maybe it is all my fault. but I'm sure it isn't.
I really should not continue to think of the past, wishing i could relive it and change everything.
I need a future to look forward to. but i can't imagine myself in the far future.
i can't see myself married, even though i really want children.
i can't imagine myself in a job, even though i want to give my children a GOOD life.
I'm a terrible judge of character. I always tell myself that people have a good side, or at least i look at that and that only, and i never pay attention to the bad.
i am terribly afraid of being alone. maybe that's why I'm so afraid of the future,
after my grandma died, i just relized that life ends when you don't expect it, and i mean yes i knew that, but i just didn't feel it, and know it.
i don't want to loose my mom, or my father. if my dad dies, i don't know whats going to happen, i more scared for my mother.
and all this is coming down hard and its scary to digest.
and my way of thinking is so fucked up, i scare myself sometimes
I let my mouth run away from me. I say everything I don't mean.
i don't know why, i just make fun of people and i get mad for absolutly no reason.
I jump the gun and just flip. the sad thing is, most of the time, I'm not really angry. like i don't feel anger at all.
and i, like everyone else, am a hypocrite.
and i wish i wasn't
I wish i hadn't shun certain things that caused me to shun certain people just becuase i never really thought about it.
i hate talking about my feelings. i feel that i don't really have any right what so ever to feel the way i do.
like I'm just silly, who wants some attention.
i don't really have the right to complain, or even talk about it,
so i become nervous, and I don't know what to talk about
and i say STUPID things. things that don't matter. things that are not funny.
and then i feel like i don't belong there, like everyone would feel better if I just left. becuase my presence, my person, really doesn't matter in exsistence.
like i don't contribute.
I don't make people laugh and feel good,
I don't make people enjoy my company.
that if i never exsisted, it really would not matter
like i never made a difference in a persons life,
the debbie downer.
the village idiot.
god.
and he is my other problem
wtf is with god.
he is JUST like a big horny penis that FUCKS everybody.
and i know that isn't fair. but at the same time i don't really know,
wtf god, what is your problem?
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| Well things haven't going so well, yet very exciting things have happened to me, to many to count though! School, Dances, Frineds, its all good   But sometimes I feel as if everything is falling apart. I don't know how, but soon I feel like something relly bad is going to happen.... I don't want to be right. Well I'm going there is nothing for me to say. Goodbye sweeties Like my new pic? www.myspace.com/sweetiekatiep <3 Adoable me Katie P | | |
| another uselss day, wasted by school, nothing else. Nothing is relly inportant. I'm so sad =( R.I.P Steve Irwin <3 Katie P | | |
| So now school is here and all we have time for is homework  But then th weekend comes, Time for FootBall games Cheering for your team, booing the other. Dances to have fun and move your body to the beat. Dates and hanging with your friends. No time for anything else it seems and everything goes, but my world seems like its frozen </3 Katie P | | |
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